This week I asked our therapeutic consultant, Graham Old, how to cope with postnatal depression and bonding with your baby.
When we have a baby we are led to believe things will be textbook and everything will happen in stages. We don't think about how different our pregnancies can be or even how far from the plan the labour will go. We also expect that when we first see our beautiful little bundles that we will instantly feel a bond, we are showered with phrases like "nothing is as strong as a mothers bond" or "A mothers instincts are never wrong" but for some it doesn't happen so quickly and they are left feeling guilty. Everything happens at different times for different people, but how do we bond if you can't heal first?
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For PND, it's difficult to give one answer, as someone can not feel a bond for all kinds of reasons. However, some of the stuff I would explore would be around:
1) Remove guilt
This is the most common reaction.
People know how much important attachment is to a baby, so blame themselves when they don't feel it and think they can't give it.
If someone can't feel the attachment bond and wants to, then clearly it is not something they are choosing. It could be down to chemical issues (eg depression), tiredness, guilt, anger, trauma - none of which they should be blamed for.
2) Remove the pressure.
As I said above, people know it's important. However, continually putting pressure on themselves to feel something they can't feel achieves nothing.
More effective can be relaxation classes or stress support groups. This works because sometimes the lack of bond is due to misplaced feelings. Without being aware of it, people can take feelings of anger (eg against someone else) and feel them towards their baby. Relaxation classes are surprisingly effective in this case.
3) act the bond
Love is more than a feeling. I like the expression, "love is a verb".
What the child needs to feel and experience is attachment and care. That doesn't necessarily mean the parent needs to feel it. This is kinda like 'fake it till you make it". If the parent acts as if there is a bond then this means the baby gets what they need and the parent teaches themselves what the Bond looks like. In many cases, the feelings eventually follow.
4) remembering to take the pressure off - let someone else do it.
There is nothing to say that the child can only feel the security from the mum. The old African proverb says that "it takes a village to raise a child." So, whilst the mum is learning to bond, the baby can receive what they need from dad, grandparents, etc.
5) Support groups / therapy
Often works, particularly support groups.
By sharing your feelings and meeting others with similar issues, you will not only find comfort in knowing you are not alone, but it will show you that no one is to blame, and it can happen to anyone.
6) take your time
Having a baby is always a shock. Add sleeplessness, financial strain, physical trauma, relationship pressure and identity changes - it's no wonder people struggle. But no one said it comes in the blink of an eye. Often bonding issues can be made worse by unrealistic expectations.
Please don't feel you have to struggle alone, we at Nurturing Natal Support can offer you help, please feel free to email us with any questions, or even if you just need a listening ear. We will be holding a PND and anxiety support group soon, venue TBC. In the mean time keep in touch and share as much or as little as you like!
Closed peer support facebook group: www.facebook.com/groups/NurturingNatalSupport
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