FILLING UP WITH FOOD - Anne Anderson

What is your relationship with food?  Do you comfort eat?  Do you eat when stressed?  Do you become anxious about eating or not eating?

Eating is a basic human physical need but a lot of us try to fulfil a subconscious need with food.  A need to fill up an emotional hole inside ourselves.  Once a baby arrives you are so busy and tired that your own needs often take a back seat and bad habits around food can quickly develop.  I have to admit that lately I have got into some bad habits myself.

In my childhood my mother always doled out huge portions on our plates, and waste was a terrible crime – starving children in Africa etc.  Guilt and my mother’s own anxiety levels meant I always felt I had to eat everything.  I consciously nag myself now to be aware of my unhealthy ingrained relationship with food.  I struggle to allow my family and friends to choose for themselves how much food they have on their plates and not to pile too much food on if I am serving up myself.   I always make too much food because I am anxious that there will not be enough.   I have to remind myself not to put too much on my own plate because once it is there I still feel I have to eat it all!  If I am hungry I feel anxious and have to remind myself that it is quite normal to feel hungry.  I suspect I am not alone with these feelings.

I started off giving my children small portions but as they grew the portions I gave them started to grow and that seemed OK to me.  My daughter has always eaten quite a small amount - another source of anxiety!  She refused to eat anything at all if there was too much on her plate so I had to learn to give her the amount SHE felt comfortable with, and that made me conscious of the amount everyone else wanted too.  My anxiety around food comes directly from my own childhood and I can’t seem to shed that anxiety completely.  My children eat quite healthily now but I am aware that I may have transferred some of my anxiety about food onto them.

Think about how you eat.   How many of these statements are familiar?

I think of food when I am stressed as a reward for all the stress I have to put up with.

I use food as a comforter when I am not hungry.

I eat alone rather than in company.

I eat standing up.

I finish off food from the children’s plates.

I graze throughout the day and when I am cooking so I never feel hungry.

I associate relaxing with a drink and a packet of crisps that sometimes escalates into a family pack or a whole bar of chocolate or biscuits.

I am aware that once I have consumed certain foods I find it difficult to control further eating.

If you recognise any, or some of these statements in yourself, here are some things to think about.  

What are the trigger foods that make it difficult to stop eating?  The most common trigger foods are likely to be sugar (especially chocolate) and white flour.  Eating can become a quick fix for an emotional emptiness, but the benefits do not last.  If you are putting on weight from bad eating habits and not exercising, your self-image and self-esteem are likely to be affected negatively.  Diets tend to result in yo-yoing weight which encourages us to link our body image to our self-esteem with the subconscious belief that if only we could lose that excess weight we would be more attractive, more confident and happier.

Give yourself a structure for your food intake.  Make some decisions and plan how, when and where you eat.  

Eat only at meal times at the table, if possible with others.

Plan your healthy balanced meals and when you will eat.

Drink a glass of water before eating, or between meals, sometimes we confuse feelings of hunger with thirst.  Drinking a glass of water also takes the edge off your hunger.

Do eat breakfast.  Some protein like porridge or an egg takes longer to process and keeps you going until lunch.

If you feel desperate for something to eat in between meals make sure you have fruit in the fruit bowl to snack on.  If you don’t want fruit what would you like? - a yogurt/Ryvita etc. Make sure these snacks are on your shopping list. 

Take some fruit/nuts (whatever works for you) with you when you go out so you are not tempted to buy chocolate/crisps etc.

Be aware of your choices.  Don’t choose fizzy sugary drinks/chips etc.

Don’t chew gum – this makes your saliva flow and your stomach expect food. 

Try to make time to add more exercise into your day.  Could you walk to school/preschool?  Could you walk to the shops with the buggy?  When the children are settled in the evening, or when your partner is home, consider something like swimming, badminton, keep fit class once a week.  I go swimming with a couple of girlfriends every week and we encourage each other to go so we have got in the habit of going and miss it when we can’t go.  We miss the social time and catching up with each other as well as the exercise.  I sleep really well when I have been swimming and have more energy the next day.  

It is really important to be honest with yourself about your food intake.  Taking control of your eating means being aware of meals and all the little bits of this and that finding their way into your mouth during the day.  In times of excess it is scary to think back over your day and realise how much you have consumed.  Healthy eating patterns are habit forming as well as exercise, which with practise, will begin to feel natural and make you feel good in yourself as well.  In time your body will adjust and you won’t be thinking about food in such an emotional way.  Getting yourself on a healthy eating programme is one thing, maintaining it is another.  There will be slips, especially in emotional times, but setting up healthy habits with food now will give you something to return to that you know will work for you.

Michael Jackson encouraged us all to start with the man (and woman) in the mirror and make that change.  I am making that commitment today – what about you?

What works for you?  Please comment, I would love to hear from you.

Bonding with your baby - Anne Anderson

The relationship between the baby and the mother starts earlier than you might think.  This special relationship begins in the womb and is developed through care and sensitivity to the baby’s needs after the birth.  The baby will form the same secure attachment with the father or any other primary carer if he is consistent, sensitive to the baby’s needs and loving.

By being in tune with the baby and responding to the baby’s needs, the baby experiences a secure attachment.  He/she feels connected to the mother/father/primary carer and safe in the learned knowledge that needs will be met, and so the baby learns to trust.  As the baby grows into a child, if this positive and formative relationship continues, the child feels valued and loved and develops self-esteem and confidence.  In time, from this secure, trusting and safe foundation they form other relationships.  They also begin to take risks by exploring their world and establishing a degree of independence, able to return home where love and esteem is reconfirmed to them.

If you did not have this kind of supportive and loving childhood yourself it may be difficult for you to provide it for your own children.  You may have experienced parenting that was emotionally and physically absent, or with conflicting and confusing messages that left you feeling alone with a hole deep inside you.  You may be always trying to fill this hole by feeling needy and jealous in your relationships, or you may have learned to shut yourself off, burying those feelings of loss and emptiness and becoming emotionally distant to avoid being hurt.

Not everyone who gives birth is able to gaze with wonder on their little bundle of joy, feeling blessed with a feeling of falling in love in an intense bonding with their baby.  Conflicting feelings around loss of independence and value, exhaustion and resentment can lead to postnatal depression and feelings of being a failure and letting everyone down.

Research shows that babies and children who receive positive contact with their primary carer 30% of the time will usually grow up to be balanced adults.  Those mothers and carers are ‘good enough’ parents.  They give just enough to ensure a positive bond with their children.  

What can you do to form a positive, secure bond with your baby?  You are probably doing it already.  Babies are born with their own temperaments in place and are born ready to learn by copying and responding – especially to their favourite person – YOU!  

Here are a few suggestions of things you can do to establish or build on your bond with your baby when you have the time and when you feel able to.  Wait for your baby to be ready to play games, don’t try to control the play, respond immediately to him/her and be open to learn who this little person is.

1. Observe your baby’s behaviour and try to understand what he/she needs or wants.  

What do you observe about your baby?

What do you observe about yourself?

What is your baby saying to you?

2. Look into your baby’s eyes, pull faces, mirror what he/she does and see what your baby does when you imitate him/her .

3. Play peek-a-boo so your baby is surprised by you disappearing and appearing again (but not distressed by this).  Have fun blowing raspberries or whatever makes your baby laugh.

4. Try to relate to your baby by playing games or baby massage with lots of gentle physical contact.

5. Sing songs, play naming games like ‘This little piggy went to market’ naming toes, fingers, knees etc.  Your baby loves the sound of your voice and wants to learn.

6. Hold your baby in different ways.  What does your baby like?

7. Play follow my leader with your baby.  Crawl after him/her – what does your baby think of that?

After play or interaction reflect on what happened.  What was fun and what wasn’t?  Why?  What felt alien to you – why was that?  Do you think that kind of bonding is probably outside your own experience?

Consider a parenting course on communicating with your baby or child to get you on the right track which will help to stop you repeating damaging family parenting styles you have experienced but don’t fully understand.

Bonding and attachment are very important and affect us all for the rest of our lives, but if we missed out on positive bonding, to some extent we can make up for it later in life.  A good teacher, sports coach, youth club leader or encouraging and supportive boss can be very good role models and give us feelings of self-worth, achievement, confidence and value.  Best friends and partners can give us love and positive regard our own parents were unable to give us.  We can experience positive emotions we lacked in our childhood with our own children, and explore the child in ourselves when playing with our children – catching up on positive bonding we missed out on the first time round.    

If you feel all is not right – take heart.  All is not lost.  

Mothers and Daughters - By Anne Anderson

When you were pregnant did you fantasise about what sort of mother you would be?  Did you start to think about your mother in a different way?  

As well as being our parents’ children, we become parents ourselves with children of our own.  In particular, a new mother will suddenly be very aware of her own experience as a child being parented by her primary care giver – usually her mother.  The impact of the same sex parent is very powerful.  Are you aware of ambivalent feelings around remaining a child and at the same time being independent and grown up?  When you are struggling to adapt to all these changes and responsibilities you are likely to feel lost and vulnerable at times, unsure of how to do it all and how to get it all right.  You also have a need for your mother’s approval – something that never leaves us.  So your thoughts turn to your own childhood and your own mothering.  This is your learning place for parenting and you must decide if you want to follow what your mother did or challenge her way and forge your own with your children.  You feel you need to be nurtured yourself, and at the same time, are nurturing your own baby.

If your mother has died you may feel conflicting feelings of grief and loss, unable to share with her a child and grandchild and this important time in your life, along with joy and hope for your new baby.  Whatever your situation, your mother is with you emotionally and you carry her with you in your head and your heart.

Feelings become magnified for new parents.  Buried anger and resentment come to the surface, causing difficulties with your relationship with your mother.  Is she helping you or interfering?  Is she criticising you or offering advice?  Issues you have with your mother, whether they are unresolved and old or new ones, have a direct influence on how you feel about yourself as a mother.  If these feelings haunt you, they may set in motion a cycle of blame and resentment - even revenge.  Confronting these feelings will help you work towards finding forgiveness and reconciliation with your mother.  Letting go of old pain will help you feel better about yourself. 

What was your mother’s own parenting like?  What was her experience?  What is your mother like as a person – not as a mother?  What has she had to deal with in her life?   This has all shaped her as a mother and has shaped your experience as her child.  She wasn’t perfect, but you are not perfect either.  We all do the best we can and hope our children will understand that of us.  

Forgiveness comes from acceptance and understanding and compromise emotionally.  When you forgive you let go of anger and resentment.   You can’t change your mother’s life experience, who she is, or what has happened and things said in your life, but you can accept them and choose to let go of your negative feelings.  In doing this you are on a path to a new bond with your mother.  If you are unable to bond with her, you are on a path to let go of your anger and resentment, and if this is gnawing at you now, you will find release from those negative feelings.

I went through a sort of teenage rebellion with my mother, at 32 when I had my first baby, with a surge of resentment and anger that bubbled out of me.  She withdrew from me at the time of the birth, physically and emotionally, and when she did visit she was preoccupied with finding a sugar bowl to fill up, tutting about the lack of order in my chaotic kitchen.  The emotional distance between us brought childhood experiences sharply into focus.  When I was able to really think about her own experience I remembered that her first child had been born at full term with the cord wrapped round his neck and he died at the birth.  This was my first child and I was able to make sense of her constant high levels of anxiety around my pregnancy.  I don’t think she was able to be around me at the time of the birth because it brought back a surge of grief for her own first child who had died.  It took me years to come to that place of reflection and understanding.  

If you are able to, talk through how you are feeling with your mother.  You may find it helpful to write your mother a letter.  This is not a letter you will give or send to her.  It can be very powerful to see your strong feelings written down, and the act of writing them down can help you to reflect on those feelings and acknowledge them in a non-confrontational way.  What did you need from your mother when you were small?  What does the young you want to say to your mother?  What do you need from your mother now?  What do you want to say to her?

If you are in emotional pain in your relationship with your mother I hope you can find forgiveness and peace.

GO WITH THE FLOW - By Anne Anderson

At the time of the birth of a baby, especially a first baby, family and friends rally round and help the new mother and father feel part of their community and part of the cycle of life, all of them offering help and advice that is invaluable emotionally and practically..........or is it??

What advice and help did you get?  And was it any use?

I read a lot of books before I was pregnant with my first baby.  There seemed to be a lot of rules to follow and a lot of opinions from strong minded people - experts with letters after their names, writers, midwives, other mums and celebrities - like David Cameron, they all seemed to be supremely confident they were telling me “the right thing to do”.

My mum was from the Dr. Spock generation who felt a child needs firm boundaries and rules and a time schedule to live by.  My loose timings for bathing and bed times were a constant source of irritation to her.  I SHOULD have my babies fed by 5.30pm.  I OUGHT to have my babies bathed by 6.00pm.  They SHOULD be settled by 6.30pm.

Helen lived just down the road and also had a baby about the same age as me.  Helen followed this sort of schedule, which seemed to suit her children.  I knew her boys were settled by about 7pm.  In the summer she told me she always made herself a gin and tonic and sat in her garden watching the sunset.  When my children were still running around and I had not even started dinner for myself and my husband, if I looked at the clock at around 7.15 I thought of Helen sitting in her garden with a gin and tonic and watching the sunset.  A voice in my head would say – I SHOULD have got the children in the bath by now.  I OUGHT to be more organised.  How is it that Helen is BETTER at organising herself than I am?  I’m NOT AS GOOD as Helen at this stuff.

Then there are the activities that most of us go to that can also undermine our ability to feel good about ourselves.  The antenatal group of young mums is supposed to be supportive, but in reality is often very competitive.  “My child - is on solids already! .......is practically toilet trained........ sleeps through the night......... is no trouble.......... is crawling now........eats everything........ didn’t even cry when we went for her vaccinations........goes to anyone........ shares really nicely........”  etc.   How does this make you feel if your child’s progress is not at the same rate and if your home life does not seem so rosy?  It is easy to hear that voice again in your head.  ‘She SHOULD be crawling by now -   he OUGHT to be sleeping through the night - I SHOULD be doing better than this’ - even though you know really that children develop at different rates and that babies cause stress and exhaustion as well as joy for everyone, and life cannot be like a Facebook persona 24/7.

Try to recognise these thoughts when they occur.  You are going through a challenging time in your life and you are inexperienced.  And just when you start to feel you have got things under control, everything changes again.  Your life turns upside-down and you have to completely re-evaluate how you are going to manage these new challenges.  Of course you are going to feel vulnerable and unsure about how to manage it all, but take a deep breath and let it out slowly.  Do that a few times and while you are breathing say to yourself whatever calms you and centres you on something positive.

I am doing the very best I can

One day at a time – or on a bad day – One hour at a time

My personal favourite was the only advice my friend Julie gave me and that was:

GO WITH THE FLOW

‘Go with the flow’ reminds you that you cannot be completely in control.  On days when nothing goes as you have planned it and you feel everything is spiralling out of control, remind yourself it doesn’t matter that you haven’t done the ironing/cleaned the fridge/ raked the leaves/made a soufflé/run up some curtains/decorated the bedroom.  These things will all get done – but not today.  It doesn’t matter that my children were never settled in bed before 8 pm – that just seemed to be their natural time to settle and I wouldn’t change that (usually) happy winding down time for all of us.  When I thought of Helen sitting in her garden with a gin and tonic at 7.15 I reminded myself to go with the flow.  Her children were not my children and her stress was not my stress and we were both just doing the best we could every day.   Putting unrealistic demands on yourself just adds to your levels of stress and opens the door to the voice in your head that says you SHOULD have achieved something.  You OUGHT to have achieved that something.  

Why SHOULD you?  

 In difficult times LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS.  Go with the flow and do what needs to be done.  It might be that what you need to do is to cuddle up with your child and watch Peppa Pig with him, because he needs that time with you.  It could be that what you need to do is drop everything and visit a friend who is having a worse day than you are.   

Be kind to yourself and go with the flow.

Pregnancy, Birth, Baby Blues and a Little Kindness - Anne Anderson – Counsellor and Psychotherapist

It is a long time since I had my children.  They are now 24, 22 and 20.  My youngest has just had his birthday and is now not a teenager any more, and I feel that I have entered a new era in my life, as a parent, and in how I feel about myself.  

Out of the blue one day last month I got an e-mail from Vicky Stuart asking me if I would be interested in getting involved with Nurturing Natal Support. As Vicky and I talked about how to support mums and dads around the time of pregnancy and birth, I found myself reliving the pregnancy and birth of my first child.  It came back to me vividly – in fact it could have been yesterday that I gave birth.  Negative experiences came back to me, experiences that could easily have been positive ones. 

I went to the hospital for a check up whilst pregnant, all prospective mothers had to strip off, put a hospital gown on and, on a cold and windy October day, sit in a public waiting area, each holding a plastic basket containing our clothes.  We all felt uncomfortable, trying to manoeuvre gowns that are completely open at the back – and nothing on underneath.  Our dignity gone, we had to sit and self-consciously wait our turn.  The Consultant treated us like a production line and it was a de-humanising experience.  

During the birth of my first baby a Doctor was involved.  He did not really speak to me and did not explain what he was doing or what was happening, this left me feeling violated, anxious and tearful.

After the birth there is a time of adjustment, when new mothers usually feel anxious about breast feeding and being able to cope.  Women have to come to terms with their changed body shape, and the physical changes, changed function and social attitudes to her breasts.  Women can be under pressure to breast feed – or not breast feed – or stop very soon – or keep going as long as possible.  Everyone has an opinion and the mother has to find her own way through social taboos and expectations to decide what is best for her and for her baby.  When I and my baby were home my Doctor visited me, he talked about the likely price my house would fetch if I sold it at that time, and then asked me ‘Are you a good cow?’  This was his only question, which again was de-humanising. He wasn’t interested in me and had no concept of the effect of that question on a new mum who was more emotional than usual in the baby blues period, and who was trying to adjust to the enormous changes to every area of her, and her partner’s life whilst feeling vulnerable with low self-image and a confusing loss of identity. 

Like most new parents, my husband and I were very tired and stressed and snapped at each other, but gradually we adjusted to our new role as parents and a family, and life settled into some sort of broken rhythm.

It seems odd that, after thousands of years of pregnancy and giving birth, this process should still be so little understood and can be so badly managed.  The mother should be at the centre of the process with the baby and her partner or birth partner, feeling empowered and supported, but it seems that our experience is often that we feel we are treated as the vessels for producing a baby. As well as losing a sense of identity and worth, giving up work and an income, however temporarily, mothers often lose any time and energy for anything except being a mum.  With this comes the added burden of feelings of guilt, fear, anxiety, isolation, loneliness and exhaustion.  Fathers also have to adjust often to becoming a provider, at least temporarily, and to being able to work and hold that job down at a time when he is also suffering broken nights, stress and change in his life and relationship with his partner, and when he is more likely to feel irritable, guilt and fear connected with parenthood, and lacking concentration for work.

Now I want to turn to you?  How are you coping?  Are you being kind to yourself?  It is so easy to get caught up in the baby’s routines and ‘stuff to do’ that you almost forget you exist.  Where are you in all this change and new responsibilities?  Try to take a few minutes each day, however busy you are to be KIND to yourself.  What can you do that you can look forward to and what will make a difference to your day?  It doesn’t have to be anything expensive or take a lot of time.  It can be a bubble bath, a walk in the park with the buggy – maybe with a friend and their baby, asking someone to babysit, paying someone to do the ironing, making time to spend with a partner.  I developed an obsession with a comforting milky coffee – with real coffee and brown sugar and I read one page of the newspaper.  For me that was my luxury of the day, a meditative and recharging time when I felt connected with the world – out there.  I promised myself those few minutes to myself when my baby was asleep.  He didn’t sleep much or very often, but those few minutes were for me, and they helped me cope so much better with the rest of the day. 

What do you really need to do today?  Are you overloading yourself with an impossible list of tasks that NEED to be done?  Does the house have to be perfect 24/7?  Can some of that list be done tomorrow – or the next day?  Be kind to yourself.  You don’t need to prove to anyone that you are Superwoman or Superman – you already are!

Nurturing Natal Support Meeting on the 28th October 2013

This months meeting really opened our eyes to how much things have changed in the short time we’ve been actively running NNS. We can not tell you how much it means to us to see all the people who are supporting our cause. Our team is growing, Our event is taking shape, and the connections we are making to bring you better support in the future is just astounding.

We have so many exciting things planned and we are finding it so hard to keep it to ourselves, but we are really proud of the supportive community we are building and look forward to releasing all our plans soon.

At our meeting this month we met up with the new members of our team, volunteering their time and skills to help support and raise awareness of the effects from birth trauma, now I can now introduce you to: 

Anne Anderson - Counsellor and Psychotherapist

Anne is married and has three children, now in their 20s.  As a Counsellor and Psychotherapist she works with a wide range of issues.  She has a special interest in grief and loss, mothers and fathers and postnatal depression and is the Counsellor for a Sure-start Centre in Northampton. Anne’s background is working with adults with learning disabilities, and with children with behavioral, educational and emotional special needs in schools.

James Butler - Pledge tree coordinator, I.T. Support

James has worked as an I.T. engineer, building PCs for the blind and disabled. He also has experience in web design. James volunteered for Nurturing Natal Support after watching the effect it had on his family. James is the coordinator of the pledge tree and will be placing your leaf on our tree. We look forward to seeing it grow.

LOOKING FOR VOLUNTEERS 

NNS our still looking for more volunteers to expand our knowledge and resources. If you possess the skill to provide us with anything from the list below please contact us at: team@nurturingnatalsupport.co.uk 

Skills such as:

• Graphic/Web Design
• Fundraisers
• Midwife/health visitors/health professionals 
• Sex therapists 
• Event volunteers 
• Promotions
• a general passion for helping our cause

If there is any other skills you would like to offer please also contact us.

Trying To Conceive

Please note any of the following information should not replace that of your medical practitioner. Please consult them if you have any questions about your health care.

So far our blogs have been looking at effects after having a traumatic birth or illness during pregnancy, but what about those of us who are having trouble getting pregnant in the first place. It maybe that you know for medical reasons you are going to struggle conceiving or that you’ve already started trying and its just not happening. 

They say that all most couples need to conceive is have a happy and healthy sex life. Most couples under 35 years will become pregnant after a year of unprotected sex. 

When is the best time to try?

“Every month, hormonal changes in a woman’s body cause an egg to be released from the ovaries. This egg travels into the fallopian tubes, which connect the ovaries to the uterus (womb). This is called ovulation.” (source: www.nhs.uk)

You are most likely to conceive if you have sex one or two days before you ovulate, this usually happens 14 days after the first day of your last period. Your fertile window can last up to six days, this is the five days before your ovulation. The egg can survive from 12-24 hours after it is released, the sperm must fertilize it within this time. Sperm can last up to seven days inside the body. To give yourselves the best chance you could have sex every two to three days, this is regular enough to meet your fertile window without the stress of calculating your ovulation date. 

How do I know when I ovulate? 

A womans average menstrual can be between twenty-two days and thirty-five days. If your period is regular you can work out your ovulation date by halving your menstrual cycle. For example if you have a twenty-eight day cycle you would take away fourteen days from the first day of your next estimated period, if you then take four more days off. This will give you your six day fertile window. 

“What's a fertile window?

Did you know that a woman is only able to conceive on six days out of her entire cycle? Known as the fertile window, women can only get pregnant on the day of ovulation, or the five days immediately prior. Predicting your ovulation date and fertile window can be tricky, particularly if your cycle is irregular, but the body communicates certain patterns that can help clue you in on when you might be able to get pregnant.” (source: www.ovuline.com)

Though some women maybe able to work out their fertile window it is still tricky to pinpoint an accurate ovulation date, especially if you have an irregular period, so what other ways are there to predict your ovulation? 

• Physical Symptoms - Tracking your emotional and physical symptoms can help you recognize when you are ovulating.
• Cervical Fluid - When a woman ovulates she may have an increase of cervical discharge, as well as becoming more stretchy and thin.
• Basal Body Temperature (BBT)- you may not feel a difference, but by taking your body temperate every morning you will notice that it dips just before you ovulate and raises shortly after.
• Ovulation Tests - For the most accurate results you can buy ovulation strips, a lot like pregnancy urine tests these track your hormone level and can tell you when your ovulation is fast approaching and when it has arrived.

Try Baby centers ovulation calculator here: www.babycenter.com/ovulation-calculator

Good luck to any readers who are trying, if you have any other questions you would like to ask please email us: team@nurturingnatalsupport.co.uk

or find us on facebook: www.facebook.com/NurturingNatalSupport

How to increase your self-esteem?

People often think someone has great self-esteem because they seem happy to talk with new people or they are always laughing. They think they must be really confident because they have been a performer, a public speaker etc. The sad reality is that anyone can suffer low self-esteem and sometimes you can’t even notice their struggle. The weeks leading up to their public appearance they might spend worrying and practicing and thinking of everything that can go wrong. At its worse they might have panic attacks and think of every possible excuse they can come up with to avoid doing it. Some might even believe if they do it they could die.

Even in a normal day people struggle with smaller things, even leaving the house, meeting people or going places on their own. They keep busy, They cover it up, They pretend they are fine, maybe to fool you? or maybe just to fool themselves?

“The problem with having low self esteem for me is not that I can’t carry on as normal or even that I can’t hold my head high and pretend I am proud of who I am, its that when life hands me another knock it hits me hard. The mask I have build for myself crumbles and I break down.”

What causes low self-esteem?

Low self-esteem can come from negative life experiences leading to negative core belief of yourself. These are just opinions yet you feel they are fixed facts. This can be from childhood when your personality and sense of self are developing or even later in life from a traumatic event.

Common experiences that effect core self beliefs:

1. Being lonely
2. Poor health
3. Being bullied or feeling isolated at school or work
4. Failing to meet you parents expectations
5. Being neglected emotionally and physically as a child
6. Stress or peer pressure to conform to something you don’t agree with
7. Fearing redundancy or being unemployed
8. Trauma 
9. Sexual, physical or emotional abuse
10. Losing a loved one

How do you recognize low self-esteem?

Sometimes to cope people get so use to putting on a persona hoping it will help them to survive the world, that others wouldn’t even notice they have issues and insecurities. So how can you spot if a friend has low self-esteem, or even how do you know when your own feelings goes past shyness and into poor self-esteem?

“Characteristics of Genuinely Low Self Esteem

1. Social withdrawal
2. Anxiety and emotional turmoil
3. Lack of social skills and self confidence. Depression and/or bouts of sadness
4. Less social conformity
5. Eating disorders
6. Inability to accept compliments
7. An Inability to see yourself 'squarely' - to be fair to yourself
8. Accentuating the negative
9. Exaggerated concern over what you imagine other people think
10. Self neglect
11. Treating yourself badly but NOT other people
12. Worrying whether you have treated others badly
13. Reluctance to take on challenges
14. Reluctance to put yourself first or anywhere.
15. Reluctance to trust your own opinion
16. Expecting little out of life for yourself.”

   (Source: www.self-confidence.co.uk)

So how do you increase your self-esteem and how is it related to mental health? can you fake it to make it? Some people have been doing it for years and still struggle daily and never know how to ask for help or if they will ever get to a point where everything isn’t such a struggle.

Here are 10 tips for coping with low self-esteem:

1. "Stop comparing yourself to other people.
2. Don’t put yourself down.
3. Get into the habit of thinking and saying positive things about yourself to yourself.
4. Accept compliments.
5. Use self-help books and websites to help you change your beliefs.
6. Spend time with positive supportive people.
7. Acknowledge your positive qualities and things you are good at.
8. Be assertive, don’t allow people to treat you with a lack of respect.
9. Be helpful and considerate to others.
10. Engage in work and hobbies that you enjoy.”

       (Source: www.mind.org.uk)

Low self-esteem can effect everything you do in life and gives you low resilience to deal with life's situations. If you are struggling to cope and need help you can email us at: 

team@nurturingnatalsupport.co.uk

Depression

How to get help for depression

At some point in our lives we all know how it feels to get so depressed that we hurt inside as if it was a physical pain, and then time goes by or we find a way to solve our problem and we can move on. For some people that feeling doesn’t go away and these feelings start interfering with their lives. This is when it is not so much the expression of “I feel Depressed” but the actual medical definition of depression. 

Please note any of the following information should not replace that of your medical practitioner, Please consult them if you have any questions about your health care.

There are a few known specific forms of depression: 

“Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) – this is seasonal depression which is related to day length. It usually comes on in the autumn and winter, when days are short and the sun is low in the sky, and gets better as the days get longer and brighter.

Postnatal depression – many mothers have ‘the baby blues’ soon after the birth of their baby, but it usually passes after a day or two. Postnatal depression is a much more serious problem and can occur any time between two weeks and two years after the birth. 

Bipolar disorder (manic depression) – some people have major mood swings, when periods of depression alternate with periods of mania. When manic, they are in a state of high excitement, and may plan and may try to carry out over-ambitious schemes and ideas. They often then have periods of severe depression.” 

(Source: www.mind.org.uk)

Are you depressed? 

Here are some symptoms of depression, if you relate to more than four of these don’t feel you are alone and don’t be afraid to seek help.

• Feeling low for most of the day for more than two weeks 
• Feeling tired with low energy 
• Loss of interest for things you used to enjoy 
• Loss of self confidence and low self esteem 
• Difficulty sleeping
• Difficulty concentrating 
• Feeling helpless and hopeless
• Feeling guilty and worthless without reason
• Finding it hard to relate to others 
• Finding it hard to function at work 
• Loss of sex drive or sexual problems
• Loss of appetite or eating more
• Physical aches and pains with no medical reason
• Thinking about suicide of death 
• Self harm 

Who gets depressed?

Anyone can suffer from depression, it does not matter what gender, age or background, it does not care. Depression is very common, it is nothing to be ashamed of and it is not a sign of weakness. 

• “Depression is very common.
• Between 5 and 10 per cent of the population are suffering from the illness to some extent at any one time.
• Over a lifetime you have a 20 per cent, or one in five, chance of having an episode of depression.
• Women are twice as likely to get depression as men.
• Bipolar affective disorder is less common than depressive illness with a life-time risk of around one to two per cent. Men and women are equally affected.” 

 (Source: www.netdoctor.co.uk)

What causes depression?

It is still not known what causes depression, though is thought that it comes from a combination of reasons and has different triggers. It can depend on a persons personal experiences, genes or psychological reasons. 

You are more at risk of developing depression if:

• You are going through a stressful event
• You are cut off from friends and family and you are feeling lonely 
• Physical conditions
• If you already have low self esteem or our overly self critical 
• If someone else in your family has suffered from depression in the past
• If you have given birth 
• You misuse alcohol or drugs
• Side effects of medication

Medical side of depression:

• “Modern brain scans that can look at how 'hard' the brain is working have shown that some areas of the brain (such as at the front) are not working as well as normal.
• Depressed patients have higher than normal levels of stress hormones.
• Various chemical systems in the brain may not be working correctly, including one known as the serotonin or 5-HT system.”

 (Source: www.netdoctor.co.uk)

What treatments are available? 

If you feel you have depression you should seek help form your GP, Many people think it is not important and suffer in silence. It is important and there is help. 

Sometimes there is a trigger for depression and you will know why you feel the way you do but also It can come from no where and there is no obvious reason.

The treatment for depression is usually talking therapy or medication, sometimes a mixture of them both. The treatment your GP recommend will depend on what type of depression you have. 

Some will recommend life style changes

• Eating more healthy
• Cutting down on alcohol 
• Getting more exercise 
• Joining a support group 

If you are diagnosed with mild depression they might suggest:

• Watchful waiting - Waiting to see if it goes by itself, you will be monitored by your GP
• Exercise
• Self help groups - talking about your feelings and finding support is a very important part of recovery 

If you have been diagnosed with mild to moderate depression:

• Your GP may refer you to talking therapy such as cognitive behavior (CBT) therapy and counselling. CBT helps your understand your thoughts and behavior and helps you recognize how the events in your past affect you. It helps you change the way you think and act so you can take control of your present life. 

For moderate to severe depression they may:

• Antidepressants - there are almost 30 different kinds of antidepressants and they can help treat symptoms of depression.

• Combination therapy - this is when they give you a course of antidepressants which work alongside talking therapy. 

• Mental health team - they can provide medication as well as an intensive specialist talking treatment. It is made up of nurses, therapists, psychologist and psychiatrists. 

It is a painful and isolating time when you are suffering depression, talk to your family and close friends. Support is needed and you can’t do it alone. If you feel you have no one to talk to or would rather talk to someone different please email us at: team@nurturingnatalsupport.co.uk

Interview with our therapeutic Consultant on PND and bonding

This week I asked our therapeutic consultant, Graham Old, how to cope with postnatal depression and bonding with your baby. 

When we have a baby we are led to believe things will be textbook and everything will happen in stages. We don't think about how different our pregnancies can be or even how far from the plan the labour will go. We also expect that when we first see our beautiful little bundles that we will instantly feel a bond, we are showered with phrases like "nothing is as strong as a mothers bond" or "A mothers instincts are never wrong" but for some it doesn't happen so quickly and they are left feeling guilty. Everything happens at different times for different people, but how do we bond if you can't heal first? 

www.hypnosisnorthampton.com 



For PND, it's difficult to give one answer, as someone can not feel a bond for all kinds of reasons. However, some of the stuff I would explore would be around:

 1) Remove guilt

This is the most common reaction. 

People know how much important attachment is to a baby, so blame themselves when they don't feel it and think they can't give it.

If someone can't feel the attachment bond and wants to, then clearly it is not something they are choosing. It could be down to chemical issues (eg depression), tiredness, guilt, anger, trauma - none of which they should be blamed for.

2) Remove the pressure. 

As I said above, people know it's important. However, continually putting pressure on themselves to feel something they can't feel achieves nothing. 

More effective can be relaxation classes or stress support groups. This works because sometimes the lack of bond is due to misplaced feelings. Without being aware of it, people can take feelings of anger (eg against someone else) and feel them towards their baby. Relaxation classes are surprisingly effective in this case.

3) act the bond

Love is more than a feeling. I like the expression, "love is a verb". 

What the child needs to feel and experience is attachment and care. That doesn't necessarily mean the parent needs to feel it. This is kinda like 'fake it till you make it". If the parent acts as if there is a bond then this means the baby gets what they need and the parent teaches themselves what the Bond looks like. In many cases, the feelings eventually follow.

4) remembering to take the pressure off - let someone else do it.

There is nothing to say that the child can only feel the security from the mum. The old African proverb says that "it takes a village to raise a child." So, whilst the mum is learning to bond, the baby can receive what they need from dad, grandparents, etc. 

5) Support groups / therapy

Often works, particularly support groups. 

By sharing your feelings and meeting others with similar issues, you will not only find comfort in knowing you are not alone, but it will show you that no one is to blame, and it can happen to anyone.

6) take your time

Having a baby is always a shock. Add sleeplessness, financial strain, physical trauma, relationship pressure and identity changes - it's no wonder people struggle. But no one said it comes in the blink of an eye. Often bonding issues can be made worse by unrealistic expectations. 


Please don't feel you have to struggle alone, we at Nurturing Natal Support can offer you help, please feel free to email us with any questions, or even if you just need a listening ear. We will be holding a PND and anxiety support group soon, venue TBC. In the mean time keep in touch and share as much or as little as you like! 

Closed peer support facebook group: www.facebook.com/groups/NurturingNatalSupport

Gestational diabetes

What is gestational diabetes?


Diabetes is a condition where there is to much glucose (sugar) in the blood, this is controlled by the hormone insulin produced by your pancreas. When pregnant women who have higher than average glucose in there blood their bodies are unable to produce enough insulin to transport the glucose to the cells. This results in the build up of glucose in the blood instead of being converted into energy.

"Between 1 in 20 of expectant mothers develop this condition, making it one of the most common health problems of pregnancy" (Source: www.diabetes.co.uk)

Please note any of the following information should not replace that of your medical practitioner, Please consult them if you have any questions about your health care or that of your baby

What will a glucose involve?

If you are considered at risk of gestational diabetes you will be offered a Glucose tolerance test (GTT) around 24- 28 weeks pregnant. The test will consist of a blood test that will be done after a period of fasting. They will take a blood test then you will be asked to drink a glucose drink, after two hours they will then take another blood test to see how your body reacts. 

What puts me at risk of gestational diabetes?

There are various factors that can potentially increase the risk of gestational diabetes. You are at risk if:

• you have a history of diabetes within the family

• your origin is south Asian, black Caribbean or Middle Eastern  

• you have a BMI over 30

• you've had gestational diabetes before

What are the risks to my pregnancy? 

If you are diagnosed with gestational diabetes you will need to be aware of the risks this can cause for you, your baby and your labour, but do not let this overwhelm you as now you are diagnosed you can manage it. 

The risks if not managed:

• having a larger baby

• complications in delivery

• still birth

• health problems such as diabetes in later life

• issues for your baby after birth such as heart and breathing problems that will require hospital care

How can I manage my diabetes?

Most women who have gestational diabetes go on to have healthy babies. After they are diagnosed most can control it through diet and you will be given a kit to test your blood glucose levels. As a diabetic you can still enjoy most food but to keep your sugar levels balanced you must watch your portions and keep your protein, fat and carbohydrates intake balanced. You will meet with a dietician to help you choose the right food and portioning. On occasion if you blood sugar is constantly high or your baby is a little larger than usual on the ultrasound scan they will give you tablets or insulin injections. You will also have more frequent anti natal appointments to monitor your and babies health.


If you have had gestational diabetes while pregnant it is important you get tested each year as you are twice as likely to develop type 2 diabetes later in life.

How will this effect my labour and birth?

If you have gestational diabetes it is recommended you give birth in hospital with a consultant lead maternity team who are experienced with caring for diabetic mothers and their babies.  If your diabetes is controlled it is unlikely that your baby's birth will be effected. However it might be recommended to have your labour induced at around 38 weeks or you might require a caesarean. 
Your baby will be monitored throughout your labour to insure they are safe and not distressed, you will also have your blood monitored and in some cases you maybe put on a drip so you can be given insulin to keep your sugar levels in the correct range through your labour.


How will this effect me and my baby after birth?

Once you have had your baby most women's gestational diabetes will go away, you will be able stop taking any medication you have been given for it. You will be offered another blood test around 6 weeks post natal to check that your levels have returned to the recommended levels. Even though your gestational diabetes has gone you should still have a diabetes test ever year and take care of your health as you are still at risk of developing diabetes type 2. 
After your delivery you baby their blood with also be checked by taking a drop of blood from their heel. You should feed your baby as soon as possible to help prevent or correct hypoglycaemia. 




It can be really difficult and frightening going through a difficult pregnancy and having an extra illness to deal with can be overwhelming, please don't feel you are alone, if you would like support or just someone who has been through it to please feel free to contact us: team@nurturingnatalsupport.co.uk

Facebook: www.facebook.com/NurturingNatalSupport

Facebook closed group: (if you would like to speak to others in a similar position in confidence)
                        
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