The relationship between the baby and the mother starts earlier than you might think. This special relationship begins in the womb and is developed through care and sensitivity to the baby’s needs after the birth. The baby will form the same secure attachment with the father or any other primary carer if he is consistent, sensitive to the baby’s needs and loving.
By being in tune with the baby and responding to the baby’s needs, the baby experiences a secure attachment. He/she feels connected to the mother/father/primary carer and safe in the learned knowledge that needs will be met, and so the baby learns to trust. As the baby grows into a child, if this positive and formative relationship continues, the child feels valued and loved and develops self-esteem and confidence. In time, from this secure, trusting and safe foundation they form other relationships. They also begin to take risks by exploring their world and establishing a degree of independence, able to return home where love and esteem is reconfirmed to them.
If you did not have this kind of supportive and loving childhood yourself it may be difficult for you to provide it for your own children. You may have experienced parenting that was emotionally and physically absent, or with conflicting and confusing messages that left you feeling alone with a hole deep inside you. You may be always trying to fill this hole by feeling needy and jealous in your relationships, or you may have learned to shut yourself off, burying those feelings of loss and emptiness and becoming emotionally distant to avoid being hurt.
Not everyone who gives birth is able to gaze with wonder on their little bundle of joy, feeling blessed with a feeling of falling in love in an intense bonding with their baby. Conflicting feelings around loss of independence and value, exhaustion and resentment can lead to postnatal depression and feelings of being a failure and letting everyone down.
Research shows that babies and children who receive positive contact with their primary carer 30% of the time will usually grow up to be balanced adults. Those mothers and carers are ‘good enough’ parents. They give just enough to ensure a positive bond with their children.
What can you do to form a positive, secure bond with your baby? You are probably doing it already. Babies are born with their own temperaments in place and are born ready to learn by copying and responding – especially to their favourite person – YOU!
Here are a few suggestions of things you can do to establish or build on your bond with your baby when you have the time and when you feel able to. Wait for your baby to be ready to play games, don’t try to control the play, respond immediately to him/her and be open to learn who this little person is.
1. Observe your baby’s behaviour and try to understand what he/she needs or wants.
What do you observe about your baby?
What do you observe about yourself?
What is your baby saying to you?
2. Look into your baby’s eyes, pull faces, mirror what he/she does and see what your baby does when you imitate him/her .
3. Play peek-a-boo so your baby is surprised by you disappearing and appearing again (but not distressed by this). Have fun blowing raspberries or whatever makes your baby laugh.
4. Try to relate to your baby by playing games or baby massage with lots of gentle physical contact.
5. Sing songs, play naming games like ‘This little piggy went to market’ naming toes, fingers, knees etc. Your baby loves the sound of your voice and wants to learn.
6. Hold your baby in different ways. What does your baby like?
7. Play follow my leader with your baby. Crawl after him/her – what does your baby think of that?
After play or interaction reflect on what happened. What was fun and what wasn’t? Why? What felt alien to you – why was that? Do you think that kind of bonding is probably outside your own experience?
Consider a parenting course on communicating with your baby or child to get you on the right track which will help to stop you repeating damaging family parenting styles you have experienced but don’t fully understand.
Bonding and attachment are very important and affect us all for the rest of our lives, but if we missed out on positive bonding, to some extent we can make up for it later in life. A good teacher, sports coach, youth club leader or encouraging and supportive boss can be very good role models and give us feelings of self-worth, achievement, confidence and value. Best friends and partners can give us love and positive regard our own parents were unable to give us. We can experience positive emotions we lacked in our childhood with our own children, and explore the child in ourselves when playing with our children – catching up on positive bonding we missed out on the first time round.
If you feel all is not right – take heart. All is not lost.
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