At the time of the birth of a baby, especially a first baby, family and friends rally round and help the new mother and father feel part of their community and part of the cycle of life, all of them offering help and advice that is invaluable emotionally and practically..........or is it??
What advice and help did you get? And was it any use?
I read a lot of books before I was pregnant with my first baby. There seemed to be a lot of rules to follow and a lot of opinions from strong minded people - experts with letters after their names, writers, midwives, other mums and celebrities - like David Cameron, they all seemed to be supremely confident they were telling me “the right thing to do”.
My mum was from the Dr. Spock generation who felt a child needs firm boundaries and rules and a time schedule to live by. My loose timings for bathing and bed times were a constant source of irritation to her. I SHOULD have my babies fed by 5.30pm. I OUGHT to have my babies bathed by 6.00pm. They SHOULD be settled by 6.30pm.
Helen lived just down the road and also had a baby about the same age as me. Helen followed this sort of schedule, which seemed to suit her children. I knew her boys were settled by about 7pm. In the summer she told me she always made herself a gin and tonic and sat in her garden watching the sunset. When my children were still running around and I had not even started dinner for myself and my husband, if I looked at the clock at around 7.15 I thought of Helen sitting in her garden with a gin and tonic and watching the sunset. A voice in my head would say – I SHOULD have got the children in the bath by now. I OUGHT to be more organised. How is it that Helen is BETTER at organising herself than I am? I’m NOT AS GOOD as Helen at this stuff.
Then there are the activities that most of us go to that can also undermine our ability to feel good about ourselves. The antenatal group of young mums is supposed to be supportive, but in reality is often very competitive. “My child - is on solids already! .......is practically toilet trained........ sleeps through the night......... is no trouble.......... is crawling now........eats everything........ didn’t even cry when we went for her vaccinations........goes to anyone........ shares really nicely........” etc. How does this make you feel if your child’s progress is not at the same rate and if your home life does not seem so rosy? It is easy to hear that voice again in your head. ‘She SHOULD be crawling by now - he OUGHT to be sleeping through the night - I SHOULD be doing better than this’ - even though you know really that children develop at different rates and that babies cause stress and exhaustion as well as joy for everyone, and life cannot be like a Facebook persona 24/7.
Try to recognise these thoughts when they occur. You are going through a challenging time in your life and you are inexperienced. And just when you start to feel you have got things under control, everything changes again. Your life turns upside-down and you have to completely re-evaluate how you are going to manage these new challenges. Of course you are going to feel vulnerable and unsure about how to manage it all, but take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Do that a few times and while you are breathing say to yourself whatever calms you and centres you on something positive.
I am doing the very best I can
One day at a time – or on a bad day – One hour at a time
My personal favourite was the only advice my friend Julie gave me and that was:
GO WITH THE FLOW
‘Go with the flow’ reminds you that you cannot be completely in control. On days when nothing goes as you have planned it and you feel everything is spiralling out of control, remind yourself it doesn’t matter that you haven’t done the ironing/cleaned the fridge/ raked the leaves/made a soufflé/run up some curtains/decorated the bedroom. These things will all get done – but not today. It doesn’t matter that my children were never settled in bed before 8 pm – that just seemed to be their natural time to settle and I wouldn’t change that (usually) happy winding down time for all of us. When I thought of Helen sitting in her garden with a gin and tonic at 7.15 I reminded myself to go with the flow. Her children were not my children and her stress was not my stress and we were both just doing the best we could every day. Putting unrealistic demands on yourself just adds to your levels of stress and opens the door to the voice in your head that says you SHOULD have achieved something. You OUGHT to have achieved that something.
Why SHOULD you?
In difficult times LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS. Go with the flow and do what needs to be done. It might be that what you need to do is to cuddle up with your child and watch Peppa Pig with him, because he needs that time with you. It could be that what you need to do is drop everything and visit a friend who is having a worse day than you are.
Be kind to yourself and go with the flow.
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