When you were pregnant did you fantasise about what sort of mother you would be? Did you start to think about your mother in a different way?
As well as being our parents’ children, we become parents ourselves with children of our own. In particular, a new mother will suddenly be very aware of her own experience as a child being parented by her primary care giver – usually her mother. The impact of the same sex parent is very powerful. Are you aware of ambivalent feelings around remaining a child and at the same time being independent and grown up? When you are struggling to adapt to all these changes and responsibilities you are likely to feel lost and vulnerable at times, unsure of how to do it all and how to get it all right. You also have a need for your mother’s approval – something that never leaves us. So your thoughts turn to your own childhood and your own mothering. This is your learning place for parenting and you must decide if you want to follow what your mother did or challenge her way and forge your own with your children. You feel you need to be nurtured yourself, and at the same time, are nurturing your own baby.
If your mother has died you may feel conflicting feelings of grief and loss, unable to share with her a child and grandchild and this important time in your life, along with joy and hope for your new baby. Whatever your situation, your mother is with you emotionally and you carry her with you in your head and your heart.
Feelings become magnified for new parents. Buried anger and resentment come to the surface, causing difficulties with your relationship with your mother. Is she helping you or interfering? Is she criticising you or offering advice? Issues you have with your mother, whether they are unresolved and old or new ones, have a direct influence on how you feel about yourself as a mother. If these feelings haunt you, they may set in motion a cycle of blame and resentment - even revenge. Confronting these feelings will help you work towards finding forgiveness and reconciliation with your mother. Letting go of old pain will help you feel better about yourself.
What was your mother’s own parenting like? What was her experience? What is your mother like as a person – not as a mother? What has she had to deal with in her life? This has all shaped her as a mother and has shaped your experience as her child. She wasn’t perfect, but you are not perfect either. We all do the best we can and hope our children will understand that of us.
Forgiveness comes from acceptance and understanding and compromise emotionally. When you forgive you let go of anger and resentment. You can’t change your mother’s life experience, who she is, or what has happened and things said in your life, but you can accept them and choose to let go of your negative feelings. In doing this you are on a path to a new bond with your mother. If you are unable to bond with her, you are on a path to let go of your anger and resentment, and if this is gnawing at you now, you will find release from those negative feelings.
I went through a sort of teenage rebellion with my mother, at 32 when I had my first baby, with a surge of resentment and anger that bubbled out of me. She withdrew from me at the time of the birth, physically and emotionally, and when she did visit she was preoccupied with finding a sugar bowl to fill up, tutting about the lack of order in my chaotic kitchen. The emotional distance between us brought childhood experiences sharply into focus. When I was able to really think about her own experience I remembered that her first child had been born at full term with the cord wrapped round his neck and he died at the birth. This was my first child and I was able to make sense of her constant high levels of anxiety around my pregnancy. I don’t think she was able to be around me at the time of the birth because it brought back a surge of grief for her own first child who had died. It took me years to come to that place of reflection and understanding.
If you are able to, talk through how you are feeling with your mother. You may find it helpful to write your mother a letter. This is not a letter you will give or send to her. It can be very powerful to see your strong feelings written down, and the act of writing them down can help you to reflect on those feelings and acknowledge them in a non-confrontational way. What did you need from your mother when you were small? What does the young you want to say to your mother? What do you need from your mother now? What do you want to say to her?
If you are in emotional pain in your relationship with your mother I hope you can find forgiveness and peace.
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