It is a long time since I had my children. They are now 24, 22 and 20. My youngest has just had his birthday and is now not a teenager any more, and I feel that I have entered a new era in my life, as a parent, and in how I feel about myself.
Out of the blue one day last month I got an e-mail from Vicky Stuart asking me if I would be interested in getting involved with Nurturing Natal Support. As Vicky and I talked about how to support mums and dads around the time of pregnancy and birth, I found myself reliving the pregnancy and birth of my first child. It came back to me vividly – in fact it could have been yesterday that I gave birth. Negative experiences came back to me, experiences that could easily have been positive ones.
I went to the hospital for a check up whilst pregnant, all prospective mothers had to strip off, put a hospital gown on and, on a cold and windy October day, sit in a public waiting area, each holding a plastic basket containing our clothes. We all felt uncomfortable, trying to manoeuvre gowns that are completely open at the back – and nothing on underneath. Our dignity gone, we had to sit and self-consciously wait our turn. The Consultant treated us like a production line and it was a de-humanising experience.
During the birth of my first baby a Doctor was involved. He did not really speak to me and did not explain what he was doing or what was happening, this left me feeling violated, anxious and tearful.
After the birth there is a time of adjustment, when new mothers usually feel anxious about breast feeding and being able to cope. Women have to come to terms with their changed body shape, and the physical changes, changed function and social attitudes to her breasts. Women can be under pressure to breast feed – or not breast feed – or stop very soon – or keep going as long as possible. Everyone has an opinion and the mother has to find her own way through social taboos and expectations to decide what is best for her and for her baby. When I and my baby were home my Doctor visited me, he talked about the likely price my house would fetch if I sold it at that time, and then asked me ‘Are you a good cow?’ This was his only question, which again was de-humanising. He wasn’t interested in me and had no concept of the effect of that question on a new mum who was more emotional than usual in the baby blues period, and who was trying to adjust to the enormous changes to every area of her, and her partner’s life whilst feeling vulnerable with low self-image and a confusing loss of identity.
Like most new parents, my husband and I were very tired and stressed and snapped at each other, but gradually we adjusted to our new role as parents and a family, and life settled into some sort of broken rhythm.
It seems odd that, after thousands of years of pregnancy and giving birth, this process should still be so little understood and can be so badly managed. The mother should be at the centre of the process with the baby and her partner or birth partner, feeling empowered and supported, but it seems that our experience is often that we feel we are treated as the vessels for producing a baby. As well as losing a sense of identity and worth, giving up work and an income, however temporarily, mothers often lose any time and energy for anything except being a mum. With this comes the added burden of feelings of guilt, fear, anxiety, isolation, loneliness and exhaustion. Fathers also have to adjust often to becoming a provider, at least temporarily, and to being able to work and hold that job down at a time when he is also suffering broken nights, stress and change in his life and relationship with his partner, and when he is more likely to feel irritable, guilt and fear connected with parenthood, and lacking concentration for work.
Now I want to turn to you? How are you coping? Are you being kind to yourself? It is so easy to get caught up in the baby’s routines and ‘stuff to do’ that you almost forget you exist. Where are you in all this change and new responsibilities? Try to take a few minutes each day, however busy you are to be KIND to yourself. What can you do that you can look forward to and what will make a difference to your day? It doesn’t have to be anything expensive or take a lot of time. It can be a bubble bath, a walk in the park with the buggy – maybe with a friend and their baby, asking someone to babysit, paying someone to do the ironing, making time to spend with a partner. I developed an obsession with a comforting milky coffee – with real coffee and brown sugar and I read one page of the newspaper. For me that was my luxury of the day, a meditative and recharging time when I felt connected with the world – out there. I promised myself those few minutes to myself when my baby was asleep. He didn’t sleep much or very often, but those few minutes were for me, and they helped me cope so much better with the rest of the day.
What do you really need to do today? Are you overloading yourself with an impossible list of tasks that NEED to be done? Does the house have to be perfect 24/7? Can some of that list be done tomorrow – or the next day? Be kind to yourself. You don’t need to prove to anyone that you are Superwoman or Superman – you already are!
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